I’ve gotten a lot of questions about when the next toilet review was coming and I keep reiterating that normal toilets and bathrooms are no fun. Only the weird deserve a review. Surprisingly, Egypt was pretty anti climatic as far as the loo and so far the same with Thailand (with the exception of nasty train bathrooms). Now, if you have been living on the moon and don’t know much about Southeast Asia or Asia in general then let me be the first to tell you that their food is… different. Street food is a big deal (watch the Netflix show “Street Food”) but you must proceed with caution. I would recommend dipping one toe in the shallow end before you jump off the diving board because for the sake of this analogy, you might shit (sorry Mom for the language) in the deep-end if you don’t. Now you might be asking, “Ian… is this ACTUALLY true? Or is this a rare occurrence that gets overblown?” I ask you, “If it were a rare occurrence then why would there be an actual dedicated name to this sickness?” Being sick isn’t funny, but if you’ve got to be sick then it might as well be sick with the funniest diagnosis name ever… THE BANGKOK BELLY!

Symptoms. The major symptom of Bangkok Belly is loose stools. This typically occurs with the rapid onset of three or more loose stools per day or sudden urges to use the restroom. Symptoms that often occur in conjunction with diarrhea include nausea, vomiting, and abdominal pains, such as cramps.

In other parts of the world it’s just travelers’ diarrhea, diarrhea, or the poops. But the fact that Thailand gets its own name is saying something. My point in telling you all of this, is that a good bathroom is essential when visiting Thailand. Well here’s how our first one stacks up.

Flush Strength - I will argue this is the most important on the checklist while visiting Thailand. If you come down with a case of the Bangkok Belly then there’s only one priority and that’s disposing of the poison that just left your body as quickly as possible. No big swirl production. No drawn out flushing sound. Just an airplane level disappearance and sound. WHOOSH, gone. I gave this particular bathroom a C.

When we arrived at the apartment our host was fiddling with the toilet and said it wasn’t flushing. My nightmare was coming true and we were on the second floor of an apartment building so I couldn’t jump. She actually told us to leave our stuff and come back later while she fixed it. We came back and I flush-tested it 4 times with random items (1 sheet of clean toilet paper, 4 sheets of clean toilet paper, a carrot slice and lastly some instant coffee grounds). These were important tests because the bathroom didn’t have a plunger available-meaning she’d have to handle the full load (intended pun #2). After passing the test, I decided it had passed inspection and I let her rest because you never know when she’d be called into action (don’t ask why the toilet is a she).

After one week, the toilet gets a satisfactory C. It was slow moving and the flushing sound lasted well after the contents had disappeared. Often times 2, 3, and maybe even 4 flushes were needed, BUT dammit she did her job and that’s all you can ask for.

Safety - No lock so that’s a safety concern. But the outside of the door has a mirror and a slide door so a little bit of camouflaging make it acceptable.

Cleaning Instruments/Supplies - The best thing about new toilets and bathrooms is discovering the new gidgets and gadgets. We’ve seen the bidet in all shapes and sizes but now we have been introduced to the kitchen sink sprayer. You’ve seen the sprayer on sinks whose purpose is blasting away dirty debris that is stuck. Well, that’s exactly what this sprayer does too! It’s supposed to blast away dirty debris that is stuck. Unfortunately it also causes the same problems. If the pressure is too intense then it will dislodge the intended target/s but it will also cause a deflection. In the kitchen this might just mean some dirty water from your chili bowl sprays back at you. Depending on the spray direction in the bathroom there are a lot of different scenarios and not many of them are good. Also, no brush.

Cleanliness - Not too much to complain about here. The “Old Ian” would have been heated that there was no shower door and just a small ledge and curtain preventing water from covering the whole floor, but I’ve matured (ignore the fact I am writing this).

Overall - A new cuisine means the body is going to go through an adjustment period. Luckily, we have been fortunate thus far but it was still crucial that bathroom #1 in southeast Asia could withstand any complications. It passed the test so therefore receives a….